From: Linda
Dear Jessica, in another two weeks my horse Ziggy will be put to sleep or I guess I should say euthanized. He is twenty-six years old and has been my best friend since he was given to me by my father when I was ten years old and Ziggy was seventeen. He went blind a few years ago and coped very well. He stayed in his stall that he knew well and his run and his pasture and I could even ride him in the indoor and outdoor arenas but not on trails. He was a happy horse. Then last year I had to stop riding him because he would stumble and sometimes it felt like his one hind leg was sort of collapsing under him. My vet and my riding teacher both said I should stop riding him because it was too dangerous. I followed their advice because they have known Ziggy since right after I got him. After that he was my pasture pet and I would go out and groom him and give him apple pieces and comb his mane and tail and sometimes put ribbons in them just because. He is still a beautiful horse but all he does now is walk, he never trots or canters any more and doesn't seem to be very happy now.
So in the last few months I have been talking with my vet and my riding teacher and my friends about making the hard decision. Ziggy has some kind of nerve problem according to my vet maybe EPM but maybe something else. Since he is old and not happy and my vet says he probably can't get better the vet will come to the little boarding barn where Ziggy lives (it belongs to our next door farm neighbors and there are only eight horses there) in a month (that was two weeks ago so now it will be in two weeks) and put Ziggy to sleep. He has explained the whole entire process to me and exactly how he will do it with a sedative and then the death drug. He says Ziggy won't be afraid and will just go to sleep and fall down. I am pretty much okay with all of that but there must be something wrong with me because Jessica I don't want to be there when Ziggy dies! I just don't think I can deal with seeing it happen and watching my best friend die. I also don't want to see Ziggy being put on a flat trailer and hauled away which is what is going to happen because we can't bury him there. I know that Ziggy won't be in his body any more but I still cry whenever I think of that trailer going down the driveway and onto the road.
Here is my problem. I really don't want to be at the barn when it happens. My riding teacher is okay with me not being there, she says she understands and she will come out and hold him for the vet and she says to stay away from the barn. My vet says that is fine and Ziggy won't know who is there and who isn't there and when he has the drugs in him he won't care anyway. But there are two other boarders at this barn that brought their horses here a few months ago. They both of them have been talking to me for a while about this and they both of them say that a good owner will stay with her horse all the way to the end and that if Ziggy is afraid or hurting he would need me to be there for him. This kind of makes sense even though the vet didn't say that. Mostly they keep saying that only a bad, uncaring owner would just go off somewhere else when her horse was being put to sleep, and that they thought I was a better person than that. When I told the vet to please come in one month I wanted that month to have time with Ziggy and just love on him a lot. Now I wish I didn't have to wait another two weeks because I am crying so much and having nightmares about Ziggy freaking out at the end and jumping around and screaming. Please Jessica, I trust your advice so much. What do you think I should do? I want to do the best thing for Ziggy, I love him so much and if I have to watch him die so that he can be okay and I won't be a bad uncaring owner, I will do it if you think I should. Even if you don't feel like you can tell me what to do, please answer this question, if I don't want to be there, am I a bad uncaring owner? Linda
Your vet knows what he is talking about. If everyone around him is calm and pleasant, Ziggy won't be afraid or nervous. The sedative will make him sleepy and unaware of what is going on around him, so by the time he is given the barbiturate, he'll already be on his way. There is no need for you to be there, and in fact it may be better for Ziggy if you aren't there. The one thing that COULD make him afraid or nervous would be YOU standing there being afraid and nervous and upset, and it makes very good sense for you to be somewhere else.
I'm sorry that the other boarders have been giving you a hard time. They are probably not being intentionally cruel, but they ARE being cruel, and they don't have any idea what they are talking about. If you can bring yourself to do it, tell them that you appreciate that they mean well, but that you do NOT want to discuss Ziggy with them any more. If direct confrontation is too difficult or painful for you, would you feel comfortable asking your riding teacher - or the barn owner - to have a word with them? SOMEONE needs to tell them to stay off the subject, stay away from you, or both!
These boarders have known you and Ziggy for just a few months. Your vet and your riding teacher have known you and Ziggy for many years. You know that you can trust your vet and your riding teacher to give you good advice. All I can do is tell you that I agree with them - you do not need to be there. You've already given Ziggy everything you could, ever since you got him, and now you're giving him the last gift a true horseman can give a beloved horse: a quiet, easy death in peaceful surroundings. At this point, there is nothing more you can do for him - you're providing him with something that only a good, caring owner can give.
When one of my students was in a situation very similar to yours, she couldn't bear the thought of being there and watching her horse die. She had done everything in the world for this horse for years and years, and he was her best friend. She knew that having him put down was the right decision, but she also knew that she couldn't be the one to hold him for the vet on that last morning, because she was too upset about losing him. If she had stayed, she would almost certainly have upset her horse and made the vet's job even harder. We talked it over and decided that she would NOT stay. She came out early that morning and petted and groomed her horse and fed him all sorts of treats, stayed with him until the vet arrived, and then left. I took over from that point and held the horse whilst the vet gave him the injections. He died quickly and peacefully. I was extremely fond of that horse - I'd worked with him and his rider for almost 15 years. I didn't, and don't, think any less of my student for not being there. In fact, I think more of her for her honesty, and because she chose to go away instead of staying and upsetting her horse, who was VERY sensitive to her feelings and moods. She, like you, was a good and caring owner. She, like you, made the right decision.
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who is holding the lead rope when your horse is put down. What DOES matter is what kind of a life you gave him during all the years you owned him. It sounds to me as though Ziggy was a very lucky horse to have you for an owner. Trust your vet and your riding teacher, spend time with Ziggy before the vet arrives, and then leave for the day and don't look back. Let your last memory of Ziggy be one that doesn't cause you pain when you think of it. He'll be in good hands, just as he always has been, ever since the day your father brought him home for you.
Jessica
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