From: Bea
Dear Jessica, I need some advice about a subject that gets more sensitive every year. My daughter wants a horse for Christmas. She is ten, and ever since she was tiny she has made a Christmas list every year that has only one thing on it: A HORSE. We live in a suburb and there is no room for a horse here. There is a lesson barn fourteen miles and twenty minutes from us (I know because I drove the route and timed the drive), and they seem to do a pretty good job with their place and their students. I don't know a lot about this myself, because I wasn't a horse-crazy kid myself and my husband doesn't even like horses. I just got interested because of Deborah being so obsessed with horses, I thought I'd better learn so that I could answer her questions. Well that didn't work out so wonderfully, because it's a very complicated subject, so for the last five years since I discovered HORSE-SENSE, you are the one who has been answering her questions. I can usually find something in the archives that covers the subject, so thanks a lot!
Anyway, back to Deborah and Christmas. I got married late and had Deborah when I was forty-one, and my parents got married late in life too, so Deborah's grandparents are in their early eighties right now. They just now - four days before Christmas! hit me with their "big Christmas plan", and I need help and advice and more help! They really want to buy Deborah a horse for Christmas this year - they say they waited long enough to have a grandchild and now she's ten and they want to buy her a horse NOW so that they can watch her enjoy it. I love my parents and it's very hard to say "no" to them, and it's hard to say "no" to Deborah. (My husband is sweet but he's useless because he doesn't like horses but his parents are both dead and he's crazy about my parents and can't say "No" to either my parents OR Deborah, so he's leaving the decision up to me. Gee, thanks, pal.)
I thought that I would enroll Deborah in riding lessons at this barn, and that would be her big birthday present next year (her birthday is in March), but my parents are convinced that because of their age, if they're going to see Deborah enjoying her horse, they need to buy it for her right away. Thank heaven they haven't talked to her about it, because they want it to be a surprise, but this whole idea is making me very nervous. They've even found "the perfect horse" in an ad in some magazine, and are talking to the horse's owners, so they are really serious about this! I've read enough HORSE-SENSE articles in the last five years, and I read your True Helmet Stories about once a month to stay updated on that, and I think I know what you will say about this idea. But can you think of some way to say it to my parents so that they will understand?
I'm afraid that if I put my foot down and say "No horse!" my parents will say something to Deborah like "Oh, it's too bad your Mom wouldn't let us buy you a horse, that's what we wanted to give you for Christmas this year" and then I will be the Wicked Evil Mother From Hell. But I want Deborah to be safe, so I am pretty sure I'll have to put my foot down. I don't understand my daughter's "thing" about horses, but if that's her big passion in life, then okay, we'll probably buy her one eventually but she's only ten and I am sure that it would be best for her to have lessons first. But between her "HORSE HORSE HORSE" mania and my parents' saying "We WANT to give her a horse, it will make her happy and it will make US happy, why can't we do something wonderful for OUR GRANDDAUGHTER?" I think I may go crazy.
Help! Can you suggest a solution that will keep everyone happy?
Bea
First, your parents need to contact the owner of the horse they were planning to buy, and tell that person that they won't be buying it. If Deborah were thirteen, had already taken lessons with a good instructor for three years, and her instructor had found a horse that she thought was "just right", THEN it would be fine to give your parents the go-ahead to purchase THAT horse (with help from Deborah's instructor and a good equine vet to do the pre-purchase exam).
You are trying to find a safe, sensible way to get your daughter started with horses - that makes you a Good Mother, not the Wicked Evil Mother From Hell. Start with lessons at a barn with a qualified, competent, safety-oriented instructor - that's exactly the right way to begin. Deborah will be thrilled. If she unwraps a box and finds a gift certificate for a series of lessons (even a year's worth, if you're REALLY impressed with the barn, instructor, and lesson program), she will be absolutely delighted. ANY horse-mad child would be delighted.
You have to think like a ten-year-old, not like an adult! For your parents, "riding lessons" aren't a horse, they're just some kind of school thing, and how much fun can that be? For you, lessons seem like a compromise, putting your daughter's safety ahead of what she really wants. But for a horse-mad ten-year-old girl, riding lessons put her smack dab into the middle of the horse world, and give her just what she wants: time with horses, time with other people who also adore horses, and an opportunity to ride and groom and learn about horses "up close and personal". This is the ideal way to begin. All of her horse-time will be in a supervised, learning environment, so she'll be as safe as she can be - but remember, no instructor can ever guarantee that a student won't fall off, have her foot stepped on, etc. The only way to avoid falling off, etc., is to stay away from horses entirely. I think it's probably too late for that. ;-)
Why not let your parents be the ones to provide the lessons - as a Christmas gift? Take them both out to the lesson barn, let them meet the instructor, see the horses, watch the kids, maybe watch a lesson in progress. They understand the idea of owning a horse; they don't (yet) understand the idea of riding lessons. Once they see a good program in action, and see how excited and happy the children are, they'll have a much better idea of just why lessons are so important and such a great gift. Talking to the instructor will help, too, because she is a professional in the horse industry, and they are likely to take her more seriously than someone who isn't a professional (say, for example, YOU). You can also remind them that this doesn't mean that they can't buy Deborah a horse later! Tell them that when and if Deborah is ready for a horse of her own, you will talk with them, be sure that they are involved in the plan, and if they still want to buy her a horse at that time, they can. Stress that lessons come FIRST, and that the time for a personal horse will be later - in a few years, if and when (a) YOU are convinced that horse ownership will fit into Deborah's life (and yours), (b) Deborah is a competent young rider with a good understanding of horse care and horse management, and (c) you've enlisted the help of Deborah's instructor to help find that "perfect horse" - which may be available for purchase, or for lease, or for a part-lease. At that point, the grandparents can jump into the mix and be just as involved as they want to be, and if they want to be the ones who actually purchase the horse and give it to Deborah, that will be fine too.
Meanwhile, if Deborah's grandparents provide her with riding lessons - that all-important entree into the horse world - they will be her heroes. As for you, you'll be a hero too. You and your husband are the ones making this possible (and even at ten, Deborah undoubtedly realizes this) and you won't have any trouble thinking of what to give her this year - just ask the new instructor to give you a list of the clothing Deborah will need. You're looking at this in the wrong way, you know - you keep thinking that saying "NO" to the gift of a horse THIS YEAR is somehow depriving Deborah of something. You're not depriving her of anything - you and your parents are giving her something very big and important and good that should last her a lifetime. Change the way you're thinking, and practice making the announcement. The message is not "NO, you CANNOT have a horse, so stop asking!" - it's "Your grandparents are giving you RIDING LESSONS, and your father and I are going to take you shopping, and buy you a helmet and boots and jodhpurs! Aren't you LUCKY!"
Heaven knows it's true - by anybody's standards, Deborah IS a very lucky little girl.
Jessica
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