From: Sherry
Hello: I loved reading your article on fear of riding. I came off a horse last year. The horse bolted, I came off, was knocked out and suffered a fractured wrist. 6 months down time. I had started riding again after about 20 years off. The kids are all gone and I wanted something to do that I loved. A friend who I thought was knowledgeable about how to pick a horse helped me buy this horse.
I have now started riding again with an instructor who is very good but I can't get this accident out of my mind. Every time I ride I have to tell myself to relax. If this horse spooked I would freak. I am very nervous. Why would I want to keep doing this to myself? I think sometimes I am a bit crazy but I have this desire to go through this until I am relaxed. I am 55 years old. I do stay in pretty good shape but every time I ride it is like fear factor. Should I just start another hobby? You are right it is very costly. I sometimes wonder if it is worth it at my age. I work full time so by the time I ride it is usually only a couple times a week. Do you think I am throwing my money away?
Don't worry about hurting my feelings. After living this long solid honest advice is greatly appreciated.
Thanks, I look forward to hearing from you.
By the way it is my own horse that I ride. I sold the one that I fell off of. I am now riding a 7 year old quarter horse. He is very kind and nice to be around. He is a grandson of Dash for Cash. He has never given me any problems.
Unfortunately, this is one of those questions that only YOU can answer for yourself. I would say that as long as riding gives you pleasure, then you're not throwing your money away. If riding makes you tense and miserable, and you find yourself becoming anxious and upset hours before your lesson, then perhaps you are throwing your money away. Age isn't really important, and neither is the number of days a week that you can ride. There are people in their eighties who ride once or twice a week and love it. There are people in their twenties who are so nervous and frightened that they throw up before every ride. Everyone is different; every situation is different. What matters is whether this is something that you want to do.
If it IS something you want to do, maybe you should ask yourself why you want to do it. That was your own question, remember? "Why would I want to keep doing this to myself?" If it's just that you feel you need a hobby - any hobby - you could easily find something safer and more predictable - and more affordable, too. If you just love horses and love being around horses, there are any number of ways to accomplish that without riding. But if it's the RIDING you love, and the RIDING that you want to do, then there's really no substitute... and that is why you have to figure out what it is about riding that appeals to you.
Just for the sake of argument, let's assume that you decide that you really love riding - or would love it if you could only relax. It's perfectly natural for you to feel nervous - after twenty years away from riding, you came back to it and promptly had a crash and an injury, so you KNOW what can happen.
Relaxation in a riding lesson is partly a matter of trusting the horse, partly a matter of trusting the instructor, and partly a matter of trusting yourself. It sounds as though you have a nice horse and a nice instructor, and since you're in good shape, you actually have quite a lot going for you.
If you DO want to continue riding, I'll suggest two things, both of which will involve your instructor.
First, I think that what would probably help you most would be going back to square one and having your instructor work with you exactly as she would if you had never been on a horse before. Begin at the very beginning, and master each skill before you move on to the next one. This will help you gain confidence by ensuring that you feel COMPETENT every step of the way. Fear is a perfectly sensible emotion when you know that you're not really in control - of your own body, of the horse, or of the situation. Adults, especially, need to feel that they have some control. Starting over and learning AND PRACTICING everything from the ground up, one skill at a time, building-block style, will let you achieve and feel that control. It's also a very good idea for other reasons. If it's been twenty years since you last rode, a lot has changed (horses, riding style, teaching methods, tack, and clothing). Most of all, YOU have changed. Twenty years ago, when you stopped riding, you had a different body and a different outlook. Now you need to re-learn as if you were learning it all for the first time, because in some ways, that's exactly what is happening.
Starting over will also help you build a good relationship with your horse - something that I'm sure you would like to have.
Starting over will also reveal any holes in your horse's training - and it will most certainly reveal the holes in YOUR riding education. That's all good, because you'll discover them in a relaxed, quiet way and be able to find and fill those holes safely.
You will absolutely need to get your instructor's enthusiastic participation in this project. Talk to her about what you want to do, and tell her why you want to do it. You may find that she had already thought of this, but didn't want to suggest it because she was afraid you might find it insulting. Instructors sometimes feel obligated to give you the lessons that they think you WANT, instead of the ones that they think that you NEED. And to be fair, there ARE a good many adults who, if told "I think we need to start your riding all over again from the very beginning" would NOT say "Oh, what a great idea, thanks!" - they would say "Forget that, and forget YOU, I want to canter and jump and I'm going to find myself another instructor right now!" It takes a very secure, strong-minded instructor to propose this kind of solution to an adult rider.
Second, you would benefit from some relaxation exercises - meditation and visualization are great, and if your instructor can help you learn some of these exercises on horseback, that would be ideal. On AND off the horse, you can practice the most basic form of relaxation and meditation: deep breathing. It's a great way to calm yourself - and your horse.
Your letter makes it clear that you like your horse and you like your instructor, but it's NOT clear that you like riding. Think about this. If you decide that it isn't something you ENJOY, remember, there's no shame in saying "Okay, riding's not for me." If it IS something that you enjoy, and the nervousness is all that's getting in your way, try the above suggestions for a few months, and let your riding education take the time it takes. Don't put yourself on a fixed schedule - that's not conducive to either relaxation or skills acquisition. Let your instructor know that you aren't expecting her to "cure you" in a fixed number of lessons - tell her that you're willing to take as long as it takes, and that you want to learn to feel comfortable and competent on a horse.
Ask yourself what you want from riding. For some people, the adrenaline rush of fear is welcome - it makes them feel alive and energized. Other people already feel alive - and don't enjoy experiencing fear. Figure out what it is that you like about riding, and what it is that you WANT from riding, and have a talk with your instructor. If you decide to start all over from the beginning, take the project seriously - and ENJOY IT.
Remember, we do this for FUN.
Jessica
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