Inconsistent, sad rider

From: Dani

Dear Jessica, I don't know exactly what I want from you, perhaps some encouragement that my riding is not getting worse. I don't feel that I am improving, although my instructor is very good, nice, and understanding, and my horse has become much more balanced, supple and cooperative in the last eight months since I started taking lessons with her. He is so good now, and I couldn't have done it without her. But I find that although I am pleased with my horse, I am not pleased with myself, and I spend a lot of time being angry with myself for not improving my riding skills more. I have a good horse that is improving and I have a good instructor, some of my rides are bad and others are not so bad, but I don't seem to improve the way I want to.

I often think that I should just sell my horse to a better rider and find some other way to occupy my own time. But, I love riding, and I want so much to improve. I am thirty-two and have been riding most of my life, but only really RIDING riding (do you know what I mean?) for the last two years since I discovered first dressage and then my new instructor. But then I experience one of those magical rides when I feel "at one" with my horse, I think something and he does it and it truly is as if we were one being. On those days, everything is easy, and everything feels wonderful, and I am not stiff or sore after the ride, and I can't imagine ever giving up riding! But then the next day the magic is gone and we are back to trying, trying, trying and as I said, the horse is better but I am not. I have tried to discuss this with my instructor but she says that this is typical of adults who take up dressage, and that I AM improving but don't realize it, but that she can see the improvement. Since she is a very kind person I worry that she is saying this only from kindness and not out of a true belief that I am improving. I am grateful for the chance to work with someone who is helping me to overcome my past bad habits and bad posture on a horse, but I can't help thinking that she must be disappointed in me. I am disappointed in me! I want more of those moments, so that I can be happy after my ride instead of angry with myself and sad about letting my horse down and disappointing my instructor.

Dani

Those moments are also rare!

ALL riders who have experienced those moments want to experience more of them. Those are the moments that we keep bright in our memories, to light the way when everything seems to be difficult and uncomfortable and frustrating. But what you need to remember is that they are MOMENTS. Even the very best riders, the ones that are not only technically accomplished but very much "in tune" with their horses' bodies and their own, have MOMENTS like those. MOMENTS. They don't experience that feeling all the time, or even during the course of every ride - and when they DO get them, they enjoy them, and don't accuse themselves of being "inconsistent". ;-)

As you and your horse continue to improve, you'll experience such moments more frequently - but you shouldn't expect to experience that sort of zen-like state all the time. Be happy when you experience those moments, and don't beat yourself up for not having more of them. All that will do is make you unhappy and tense - and THAT will make your HORSE unhappy and tense, because your horse is reactive and reflective - that is, he reacts to what you do, and reflects your posture, degree of relaxation, and emotional state.

I'm sure that your instructor is telling you the truth, not offering you a kind lie. She can't see into your brain and know what you are thinking at any specific moment, but she CAN look at your horse and know exactly how you are riding at any given moment. You said it yourself: Your horse has improved. During the last eight months, he has become - your words again - more balanced, supple, and cooperative. Just how do you think that happened? Yes, your instructor played a large part in the change, but YOU are the rider, and YOU are the person who created those changes in your horse. I agree that you couldn't have done it without your instructor, but what she did was help YOU to make the changes that you see in your horse. YOU did it.

It's precisely BECAUSE horse are reactive and reflective that you can KNOW that you have, indeed, improved. Those moments when everything is right may be rare, but they're not accidental. They occur on those occasions when you are in that perfect, peaceful state, and your horse reacts and responds accordingly. Tension, stress, pain, discomfort, worries, apprehension - any normal, everyday human feeling can interfere with the creation of such moments. When you experience one of those moments, it means that NOTHING is interfering. That doesn't mean that you should expect yourself to be perfectly physically relaxed, mentally calm, and emotionally balanced AT ALL TIMES - that's not realistic. It just means that you are not only experiencing those moments, you are creating them.

You are able to create such moments because you HAVE improved, and you will create more and more of them as you continue to improve. Do you remember the four stages of learning to ride - or, really, of learning any new discipline?

1. Unconscious incompetence (you don't know how bad you are) 2. Conscious incompetence (you begin to realize how bad you are, and become highly self-critical)
2. Conscious competence (through much practice, effort, and thought, you master the techniques of the discipline and learn to apply them deliberately and appropriately)
3. Unconscious competence (through thoughtful repetition, your mastery of technique becomes "second nature", and you can feel tiny changes and hesitations, and make corrections whilst the corrections themselves are still tiny)

The "magic moments" that you've begun to experience don't occur at all during the first stage of learning. They typically occur rarely (if at all) during the second stage, more often during the third stage, and much more frequently for those who achieve the fourth stage. So - don't worry. You'll have more of those moments as you and your horse continue to improve together. Don't try to force them - it won't work. Relax, continue learning, continue with your riding, and enjoy the moments when they come. They will - if you focus on your horse, and not on all the reasons you think you should feel guilty for not being perfect. Magic moments in riding - zen moments, if you will - are rather like feral cats. You can't force them to come to you. If you focus on how much you want them and how frustrated you are when you don't get them, you will scare them away.,, but if you become completely focused on what you are doing, and forget that the cats are there, you will find them sitting next to you. ;-)

Two thoughts that may help you become less frustrated and self-blaming:

Quality is NEVER accidental.

You're as good as your best ride.

Make these two sentences into a mantra and repeat it to yourself, over and over, when you catch yourself thinking negatively about your riding and your progress. Ideally, I'd like you to add a third sentence:

It's all good, all the time.

That may sound silly, but it isn't - and it's an excellent idea to have in your mind during every ride. Instead of thinking in terms of one ride being "bad" and another one being "not so bad", focus on making all of them good experiences for your horse. If you do this, you'll accomplish much more during your rides, and you'll be able to dismount and pat your horse and say "Thanks for another good ride" - and MEAN it.

You're very lucky, actually. You have a good horse and a good instructor, and you've already discovered that the "magic moments" exist. Some riders never experience them at all. Out of three identified elements (horse, rider, instructor), you already know that TWO are good. Now you need to relax and realize that (a) you can't possibly expect to know it all and perform perfectly after only eight months of good lessons, and (b) even if you DID know it all and COULD perform perfectly, you still wouldn't be able to count on experiencing an unbroken string of magic moments.

It seems clear to me that all three elements - horse, instructor, AND rider - are good, and that you simply need to go on doing just what you are doing now, but with a change in your attitude towards YOURSELF, based on eliminating the unrealistic expectations and demands you've placed on yourself. Finding out how incredibly good those moments can be - that's good. Using that as a reason to beat yourself up for not experiencing those moments all the time - that's unkind, unrealistic, and utterly unfair. Riding's a joy - and no matter how caught up we can get in matters of technique, craft, and art, it must always be true that we do it for FUN.

It's all good, all the time.

Jessica

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